I loved him the way some people are to be loved - from a distance
by KattuaMellark
Summary: "What about me? you think someone is waiting for me back home? I love Katniss and Gale but at the end of the day they have their families to take care of and love and I...I have no one to take care of or wait for me"
1. The Tribute

**I do not own The hunger games. That right goes to Suzanne Collins. I only own Vera. Sorry for any grammatical mistakes English is not my first language.**

Names can be a funny thing.

I would have never imagined meeting anyone with a name similar to mine in my lifetime. When you live in district 12 you get little time to imagine and more time to starve. I'm actually thankful for meeting the person who had a name similar to mine because if I hadn't I would never have met Katniss or Gale. I would never have learned how to hunt or trade or even shoot a bow and arrow. Funny how a little thing such as a name can make a huge difference on whether you live or die. In my case it is.

When I wake up the sun still hasn't arrived. Grey clouds are roaming the sky and no sound can be heard outside.

Of course it is Reaping day. People are sleeping in next to their children, holding them in fear of this being the last time they see them.

I roll around in my bed and push the blanket off of me. The cold embraces me and I shiver. I stretch my body after sitting up, it gets rid of the last sleep i had under my eyes.

I look at the bed on the other side of the room were my mother is sleeping. The only time I see her look peaceful is when she sleeps.

Not having to worry about going down to the coalmine or if we get to eat the next day.

I force myself of the bed and try as quietly as I can to get my boots which is beside the door and I put them on after I have pulled on my trousers and brown shirt. I take on my dark brown leather jacket that I got from the market. I make a bun for my big curly black hair and I am out the door.

I live in the part of District 12, nicknamed the Seam, which is usually crawling with coal miners like my mom heading out to the morning shift at this hour. But not today.

There is not a soul to be seen on the streets.

My house is almost at the edge Seam. I am two houses down from where my friend Katniss lives. Which makes it much easy for me to pass a few gates to reach the scruffy field called the Meadow.

Separating the Meadow from the woods, in fact enclosing all of District 12, is a high chain-link fence topped with barbed-wire loops. The fact is, it's supposed to be electrified twenty-four hours a day as a defense against the predators that live in the woods — packs of wild dogs, lone cougars, bears — that used to threaten our streets. But luckily it's only on for two or three hours of electricity in the evenings. So it's pretty much safe to touch.

When I was younger I never thought of even passing the fence, that was until I met Katniss and she taught me to always take a moment to listen carefully for the hum that means the fence is on.

I listen for a minute, not hearing a sound I conclude that it is off.

I lay flat on my stomach and carefully slide under the fence.

I know for a fact there are other weak spots in the fence but Katniss helped me find one close to home.

As soon as I'm in the trees I quickly try to find the meadow. I notice Katniss's bow and arrows are missing which means she is already there.

Electrified or not, the fence has been a great hit at keeping wild animals out of District 12. Inside the woods they roam freely, and there are added concerns like venomous snakes, rabid animals, and no real paths to follow. But there's also food if you know how to find it. If I had known this before meeting Katniss, my mother and I would not have starved, but of course I probably wouldn't have been brave enough to pass the fence alone.

I asked her once how she knew all of this and she said her father taught her before he died in a mine explosion. I remember it clearly. I had just turned eleven. My mother and I were invited to the funeral. At that time I hadn't known who Katniss was.

Even five years later she has nightmares about her father. I remember sleeping over one night and I woke up to her screaming for her father to run. Katniss is my best friend, but she's usually so closed off sometimes.

That night was the first time I heard her cry.

Even though trespassing in the woods is illegal it carries the severest of penalties, more people would risk it if they could but most are not bold enough to venture out with just a knife.

I might seem brave now that I am venturing outside of district 12, but that's because I know Gale and Katniss are at the Meadow right now. If I knew neither of them would go I would not step a foot outside the fence.

I´m a coward I know, but not having a father to teach you how to survive and hunt or a mother who knows her plants can be a downside.

But I learned anyway Katniss taught me.

I don't know what she saw in me, my first guess would be pity but she helped anyway. With her helping me to shoot with a bow and arrow.

I usually try to help with her hunting and trading.

The only thing I am good at for sure is sewing ripped clothes and making the booby traps for hunting.

Most of the Peacekeepers turn a blind eye to the few of us who hunt because they're as hungry for fresh meat as anybody is.

In fact, they're among our best customers. Which helps a lot with not starving. I have asked my mother not to work at the coal mine since I bring enough food home to last us both for a month, but she refused.

My mother is a stubborn woman. I think she has gotten so use to being there, basically that is the only thing she knows to do.

"District Twelve. Where you can starve to death in safety," Is usually what Katniss mutters every time we're at the meadow and I completely agree.

I glance behind me just to make sure no one is following me.

The anxiety never leaves you even when you're all alone. The fear of someone might hearing you whisper something wrong.

I learned from a young age to keep my mouth shut. My mother is a paranoid person. When you're living in district 12 that's a smart person.

she would tell me from a young age that everyone could not be trusted or most of them were working for the Capitol. With the stories she told me it of course made me into a paranoid mess. I would only speak at school if I was forced to and politely smile to the adults. Paranoia and anxiety was controlling me until I met Katniss.

I would not say a word to anyone in fear of being taken away from my mother or the Capitol making me one of their many victims.

Please don't get me wrong I love my mother but she is what I call a fragile soul. Seeing so much of what the Capitol can do has broken her like so many others here in district 12.

In the woods I see the two most important people in my life. People that I truly can be myself around and feel safe.

Gale and Katniss.

I smile as I climb the hill towards the rock that overlooks the valley. The haven't noticed me yet. Gale is showing Katniss an arrow stuck inside a bread. They are both laughing when I finally reach them. Katniss has the bread in her hands as she takes a whiff of it and smiles

"Mm, still warm" She says. I quickly take the bread out of her hands and inhale the warm bakery baked bread. She is right it's still warm.

As I hand the bread back to Gale and give a tiny hug to Katniss I ask him "How much did this fine bakery baked bread cost you?"

"Hallo to you too Vera." Gale says with a grin.

I smile and give him a hug too.

"So how much did it cost you?" Katniss repeats my question.

"Just a squirrel. Think the old man was feeling sentimental this morning," says Gale. "Even wished me luck."

Katniss pulls out something from her bag.

"Well, we all feel a little closer today, don't we?" She says, As I roll my eyes and snicker knowing what she means.

"Or maybe it´s a gift from his wife?" I say in a sarcastic tone

"Doubt it." Katniss says and we all laugh.

Everyone knows the baker's wife is a complete monster with her permanent angry face. Except maybe for the baker, but I am not sure.

"Prim left us a cheese." Katniss says finally pulling the cheese out from her bag.

Gale´s expression brightens at the sight of cheese.

"Thank you, Prim. We'll have a real feast." All of a sudden he is talking in a Capitol accent as he mimics Effie Trinket, the weird upbeat woman who arrives once a year to read out the names at the Reaping.

"I almost forgot! Happy Hunger Games!" He plucks a few blackberries from the bushes around us. "And may the odds —" He tosses a berry in a high arc toward Katniss.

She catches it in her mouth. I laugh while cheering for her. I take a few myself. They taste sweet and bitter at the same time

"— be ever in your favor!" Katniss finishes with equal pep.

They usually joke about it because the alternative is to be scared out of your wits. At the beginning I nearly peed my pants when they made fun of the accents. I told them that they were out of their minds and they could get killed for it. Eventually I got used to it and when months had gone by and nobody came to kill us I let it go.

Besides, the Capitol accent sounds funny and weird anyway.

When I first heard one I had to listen very carefully for what they were saying because every word coming out sounded weird.

I glance towards the valley as I lean my back on a rock.

Beside me Gale pulls out his knife and slices the bread. I shift my gaze towards Katniss. She´s looking at Gale.

I know that look She is in a deep thought. Something you catch up on when you're friends with Katniss Everdeen.

They look alike.

Gale and Katniss they could be siblings. When I first met Gale I actually thought he was her brother. Straight black hair, olive skin, they both even have gray eyes. I have noticed most families who work at the mines resemble one another this way. My mother looks more like Katniss than Katniss's own mother does. My skin is little more darker than both Katniss and Gale´s and I don't have gray eyes. Mine are hazel colored. Once a Peacekeeper told me I looked more like the people from district 11.

Gale spreads the bread slices with the soft goat cheese, carefully placing a basil leaf on each while I strip the bushes of their berries.

The wind peacefully roams through the trees, with the clear view of the valley, which is teeming with summer life, greens to gather, roots to dig, fish iridescent in the sunlight. The day is glorious, with a blue sky and soft breeze. The food's wonderful, with the cheese seeping into the warm bread and the berries bursting in our mouths. In this quiet moment, nothing could ruin it. I feel at peace with Gale and Katniss by my side.

If I could stop time I would. Right at this moment. But instead at two o'clock all three of us will be standing in the square waiting for our names to be called.

With a sigh I take an extra bit from my bread slice.

"We could do it, you know," Gale suddenly says quietly.

"What?" I ask.

"Leave the district. Run off. Live in the woods. All three of us, we could make it," says Gale.

I raise my eyebrows and then narrow my eyes at him. Sure They would make it, but not me, some part of me knows that I will never be as good as Katniss or Gale in hunting or surviving. I would most likely get my mother and myself killed.

So I don't respond. I just look at him with my narrowed eyes.

Suddenly realizing what he´s just said he adds quickly.

"If we didn't have so many kids,".

They're not their kids, of course. But they might as well be. Gale's two little brothers and a sister. And of course Katniss little sister Prim. And you may as well throw in our mothers, too, because how would they live without us? Who would fill those mouths that are always asking for more? With all of us hunting daily, there are still nights when animals has to be swapped for lard or shoelaces or wool, still nights when we go to bed with our stomachs growling.

"I never want to have kids," Katniss says.

A part of me agrees with her. Why make innocent souls suffer.

"I might. If I didn't live here," says Gale.

"But you do," Katniss says, irritated.

"Forget it," he snaps back.

I look back and forth between them with raised eyebrows.

The conversation feels all wrong. Awkwardness fills the air.

Leave?

I have always known this topic would be brought up. Sometimes I would see Gale with this far off look and i´d know what he was thinking about. He was thinking of how life would be like living in the woods. Taking the chance to run away. But I know he would never do it. He would never leave his family behind or taking the chance at risking their lives, neither would Katniss. With one look at Katniss I know she is thinking the same.

I detect a blush from Katniss when Gale mentioned the kid thing.

Where did that even come from?

Of course it´s easy.

He´s been into Katniss since last winter.

When I met Gale I was a starving twelve-year-old. I remember him being mad at Katniss for bringing an "outsider" as he called it. It took time for him to open up to me.

I quickly crushed on him as many of the other girls in school did too.

Gale being only two years older than me and Katniss looked even more handsome even at the age of twelve. A silly crush quickly turned into love when at the age of fourteen when he helped me trade a squirrel at The Hob. His kind and protective nature made me love him more.

When I realized his affections towards Katniss last winter it nearly destroyed me. But I would never let this come between me and Katniss.

Of course Katniss hasn't noticed Gale being completely in love with her.

Katniss is a skilled hunter but when is comes to interacting with people she knows nothing.

"What do you want to do?" Katniss suddenly asks bringing me out of my trance.

"We can hunt, fish, or gather."

"Let's fish at the lake. We can leave our poles and gather in the woods. Get something nice for tonight," he says.

I nod agreeing with everything he says. I usually make either of them decide what to do when we're at the woods.

Every time after a Reaping, everyone is supposed to celebrate. And lot of people usually do.

My mother never joined the celebrations since I turned twelve. The reason for the celebrations is out of relief that their child have been spared for another year. But at least two families will pull their shutters, lock their doors, and try to figure out how they will survive the painful weeks to come.

After some time later we've got our hands full. Strawberries and a dozen of fish.

On our way home we stop by The Hob. I wait outside while both of them go inside to make some business.

I sit on a barrel with my arms and legs crossed. Not soul can be seen outside The Hob, until I hear a voice on my left.

"Well, is it not Vera the Seamstress."

With a smirk on his face Darius comes closer. His ginger hair shining more in the sun. Darius is one of the youngest Peacekeepers in district 12. He is also one of the usual customers in The Hob. He is easy going which makes him my favorite Peacekeeper.

"I fixed your shirt once, that does not make me a seamstress Darius" I say.

"It was my favorite shirt!" He smiles.

"Doing some business before the reaping?" He continues as he leans against the building wall.

I nod and purse my lips together in annoyance.

"Yeah, you?"

" Just getting some soup from Greasy Sae" He says. His voice is sounding more husky than usual.

"I guess I will be seeing you at the square in a few hours, huh!" I say as I jump of the barrel.

With one wink from him and a the usual smirk he wears, he goes inside.

I shake my head and chuckle. Darius is harmless, but nothing can stop him from flirting with any girl he sees. I sometimes have to bite my tongue just to keep myself from laughing when he flirts with Katniss. The whole thing is funny. She is oblivious and Gale is in the background glaring at Darius.

When they are finished with business at the market, we head towards the back door of the mayor's house to sell half the strawberries, knowing he has a particular fondness for them and can afford our price.

My friend Madge lives there. She sits in front of me in one class. Katniss shares more classes with her than I do. I mostly see her at lunch or when we sell her strawberries. Once I delivered strawberries all by myself and we talked more than we had ever done at school. She promised me once she would teach me how to play the piano.

Being the mayor's daughter, I expected her to be a snob, but she's nice. She just keeps to herself like I did before meeting Katniss. Since all of us really have no group of friends, we seem to end up together a lot at school. Eating lunch together and all.

When she opens the door, she is wearing an expensive white dress, and her blond hair is done up with a pink ribbon. She is wearing nice clothes for the reaping.

"Pretty dress," says Gale with voice that sounds a tiny bit patronizing.

Madge shoots him a look, trying see if he meant it or not.

I frown at him. Just because he does not like Madge that does not give him the right to talk to her like that. She is my friend. I'm about to say something when she smiles says

"Well, if I end up going to the Capitol, I want to look nice, don't I?"

Gale shoot her a confused look and frowns.

I snicker, she is messing with him and he can't see it.

"You won't be going to the Capitol," says Gale in a cold tone.

His eyes land on a small, circular pin that compliments her dress. It looks like real gold, probably is.

I imagine how many mouths this could feed if I traded it for food.

"What can you have? Five entries? I had six when I was just twelve years old."

"Back off Gale," I say annoyed

"That's not her fault," Katniss says.

Gale shoots me an angry look and says

"No, it's no one's fault. Just the way it is,"

Madge's face has become closed off. She puts the money for the berries in Katniss's hand. "Good luck, Katniss," "You, too, Vera"

"Good luck, Madge" I say, and the door closes


	2. Prim vs Prim

**Im sorry for any grammatical mistakes. I try really hard at editing but still English is not my first language.**

When I finally get home, my mother has made herself ready for the reaping.

Sleep gone from her eyes that she usually never minds to get rid off. She stands in front of me in her finest and only dress she owns. She looks beautiful.

"I´ve made the bath ready for you." She says sounding bleary as always. I give her a nod and enter my room to take off my clothes.

My mother never knows where I am or what I do. She has never even asked me where I get the food we eat every night from and of course I´ve never told her.

Some part of me has always known my mother never wished to have me. I was a mistake and she has to live with it as do I. I am not even sure if she hates or loves me.

She tolerates me.

That is how I would describe it. I by all means try to work with it, but that does not mean it _doesn't_ hurt me deep down.

I quickly take off my clothes and step into the lukewarm bath that awaits me. I wash of the dirt and sweat I got from the woods. I would wash my hair, but I already did it last night.

My hair is too thick and curly to dry quickly. If I washed it now I would have wet hair all day. When I finally step out of the bath I roll the towel around my body and go back to the bedroom. I take out my only fine dress as my mother did and I put it on. It´s white and it has long sleeves. I love it, which makes me annoyed that I have to wear it for the reaping. I Instantly make a french-braid for my unruly hair and I am ready.

 _Eighteen!_

Eighteen is the amount of times that my name has been entered into the reaping.

If you´re wondering why, well the rule is when you turn twelve you become eligible for the reaping day, which means that year, your name will be entered once and the year after, twice and so on. Until you reach Eighteen. That is a rule for every resident in all of the twelve districts of Panem. But that is not it. The reaping system is cruel. If you´re poor like me it´s downright unfair.

Say you are poor and starving like the people who live in the Seam. You can decide to add your name more times in exchange for tesserae. Each tessera is worth a meager year's supply of grain and oil for one person. As soon as I turned twelve like many other Seam kid I entered my name more times than I should, but not as many as Katniss or Gale. Once because I had to and twice for grain and oil for mother and I. I have been doing this every year. Now that I am sixteen my name has been entered eighteen times. The odds may not be against me, but they are surly not with me.

When the clock hits one we head towards the square. We quickly stand in line and sign in our names and get our fingers pricked.

My mother leaves to stand with the families who are holding each other for support. Not even a goodbye or a simple hug. I swallow hard to make lump growing in my throat go away. Tears threaten to spill.

 _ _If that´s how you want it, so be it.__

I blink a couple of times and press my lips hard together. Hastily I find the section at front were the other sixteen year olds are standing. I see Katniss surrounded by other sixteen year olds from the Seam and I hurry to stand next to her.

"Katniss!" I say. There´s desperation in my voice more than I´d like to admit.

She looks to her left and sees me. She relaxes a bit and nods. She looks more tense than she has ever been to any reaping and the reason is standing in the back row with the other twelve year olds.

Primrose Everdeen.

The cute little blond haired girl who is Katniss´s younger sister.

I can´t even imaging what Katniss must be feeling right now. Prim is like a sister to me, it was through her that I even got to be friends with Katniss.

I grab Katniss´s hand and give her little squeeze as a sign of support.

"Don´t worry, it will only take a minute." I say. Words I´ve repeated countless times since our first reaping since we were twelve with complete calm. Katniss nods again and exhales the air she has been holding.

I let go of her hand and focus my attention of the stage in front of the Justice Building.

It holds three chairs and a podium and two large glass balls. One for the boys and one for the girls.

Both are filled with paper slips with names.

 _ _Eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, eighteen, eighteen.__

Eighteen is nothing compared to what Gale has, but still I can fill the torment of what might happen if they shout my name through those speakers. I look towards were the eighteen-year old boys are standing and I see Gale. He´s looking back. To be more specific he´s looking at Katniss.

 _ _Look at me...Please!__

As if he read my mind, his eyes shift towards me. Our eyes meet for a second and he must see the torment in my eyes because as quickly as he looked at me, his eyes focus on the stage.

Two of the three chairs fill with Madge's father, Mayor Undersee, who's a tall, balding man, and Effie Trinket, District 12s escort, fresh from the Capitol with her freakishly white grin, pinkish hair, and Purple colored suit. They whisperer to each other and then look with concern at the empty seat. Effie Trinket looks more Annoyed than concerned.

As the town clock strikes two, the mayor steps forward to the podium and begins to read. The same words we´ve heard our entire lives.

He tells of the history of Panem, the disasters, the droughts, the storms, the fires, the encroaching seas that swallowed up so much of the land, the brutal war for what little sustenance remained. The result was Panem, a shining Capitol ringed by thirteen districts, which brought peace and prosperity to its citizens.

Then came the uprising against the Capitol. Eventually the twelve districts were defeated and the thirteenth district was erased from the map.

Not to repeat the uprising fiasco like last time the Capitol gave us the Hunger Games.

The rules are simple for the games. In retribution for the uprising, each of the twelve district must provide a courages boy and girl, called tributes, to partake. Twenty-four children or tributes will be trapped inside an outdoor arena that could hold anything from a desert to a frozen wasteland. The worst thing is twenty-four goes in but only one comes out. The tributes have to fight to the death. The last boy or girl standing wins. All for the entertainment of the Capitol.

"It is both a time for repentance and a time for thanks," intones the mayor

"Now I shall read the names of our very own and courages district 12 victors." He continues.

From what I know, there are not many victors in district 12. We´ve only had two in the past 74 years. And only one is alive and he is a horrible mean drunk called Haymitch Abernathy.

As soon as his name is called he staggers into the stage, slurring words nobody can understand and falls into the third chair. He is so drunk that you could probably smell the alcohol from here. And by the look on Effie Trinket´s face, she is not pleased.

The crowd gives its mandatory applause and Haymitch looks only confused. He stands up and tries to give Effie Trinket a huge bear hug, which she barley gets away from.

The mayor looks more anxious than before. Since all of this is being transmitted, right now from the Capitol. This is a huge embarrassment for District 12, and he knows it. He quickly tries to pull the attention back to the reaping by introducing Effie Trinket. High spirited as ever, Effie Trinket steps up to the podium.

" _Welcome_ , welcome, welcome. Happy Hunger Games! And may the odds be ever in your favor." She beams.

"Now the time has come for us to select one courages young man and woman for the honor of representing District 12-"

I hold my breath as I keep thinking. " _Don´t pick me, don´t pick me_ ".

"In the 74th annual hunger games." She finishes.

My head is starting to pound, my heart is beating faster than it should and I feel like I am drowning.

It's time for the drawing. Effie Trinket says as she always does, "Ladies first!" and crosses to the glass ball with the girls' names. She reaches in, digs her hand deep into the ball. I blink, holding my eyes closed a little bit longer than I should and wait.

 _don´t pick me, don´t pick me, don´t pick me._

When I open my eyes, she is back at the podium and but not holding one slip as it should be but two.

 _Wait_ _ _what?__

people start to whisper around each other thinking the same.

" I am sorry to say that when I was reaching in to dig up a slip I mistakenly to an extra with me. As you all know the official hunger games rules, it means, if two names are to be picked one will have to volunteer for the other if neither volunteers, one shall be picked by me and my two companions ." She says sounding more gleeful than before. When she said two companions she gestured towards the tense mayor Undersee and the drunk Haymitch.

she reads with a clear voice out the names on the slips.

And to my horror It´s me and it´s not me.

"Primrose Everdeen and Primavera Ellison"

 ** **I hope you like Vera in this chapter. I tried to make a little better at standing alone, but i´m still not sure. Maybe next chapter will do...****

 ** **So what do you guys think will Prim volunteer or will Vera protect her and go into the hunger games.****


	3. Obligation trumps cowardice

First time I met Prim was outside the towns bakery. Being a measly little twelve year old girl, I had no friends and my mother never said a word to me. I was hungry with no money and no friends to play with so I would admire the decoration outside the shop window for hours until the bakers wife would scare me away. I still remember Prim´s sweet voice.

"You like the decorations too?"

I remember taking a step back in shock thinking the bakers wife had come out. I looked down and saw Prim with her sweet round face and her shining blond hair. She didn´t look like she was from the Seam. I gave her a little nod and returned my gaze towards the cakes.

"I think I know you? Don´t you live next to us, in the Seam?" She said as she came closer to me.

"I do live in the Seam." I said for the first time uttering a word willingly.

"My name is Prim by the way" Her voice sounded so bell like that it would probably make mockingjays stop singing to listen to her.

"That´s weird."

"Why?" She asked. I remember her pouting like any eight year old would.

"Because my name is also Prim." I said

"Really? Your name is Primrose too?"

"Well, no it´s Primavera, but my mom calls me Prim sometimes when I do something wrong."

I remember her jumping up and down at the thought of meeting anyone with a name similar to her.

What would the chances have been for two girl living near each other in the Seam being named Prim.

"That´s amazing! I´ve got a new friend named Prim. Katniss? Katniss! Look I met a girl named Prim too."

Katniss was standing a few feet away, she looked very interested in who her little sister was talking to. I gave her an awkward wave remembering her from school. She came over and grabbed Prim´s hand and then she turned towards me.

"Your name is Prim? Really?" She asked sounding just interested as Prim did. I nodded.

And that´s how it all started. With a simple name and Prim clung to me as if I was her new best friend and Katniss being a little warring at first, eventually accepted me.

Flashes of that grey day and the memories of how our lives went from there go through my mind at this very moment. I remember once in gym class at school I got a speeding ball right in the gut. I remember how the air left my lungs and the excruciating pain in my stomach lasting for days. Remembering that pain now it seems silly to think that was agonizing. This was pain, this right now. Standing in front of thousand of people and my name being called to be the next person to die for district 12. My brain feels like it´s going on overdrive. I can´t think. I feel angry, denial, guilt.

Guilt for not having said anything yet. People are waiting..no expecting me to volunteer for Prim.

 _Oh no, oh no_

I can feel it, it´s coming back. I can feel it in my chest, in my heart and even in my throat.

I haven´t had panic attacks in years, and of all days now it had to come back today.

 _you´re going into shock! Control yourself._

I try to breathe, but it feels like my entire organs have failed to function. Unable to speak, completely petrified. I look beside me, Katniss´s face portrays everything that I feel right now. Someone is gripping her arm, a boy from the Seam, and I think maybe she must have started to fall and he caught her.

There must have been some mistake. This can't be real. Prim was one slip of paper in thousands! Her chances of being chosen so distant that Katniss had probably not even bothered to worry about her. One slip could have bought her a year. One slip. One slip in thousands. The odds had been entirely in her favor. But it hadn't mattered.

Somewhere far away, I can hear the crowd murmuring unhappily as they always do when a twelve-year-old gets chosen because no one thinks this is fair. Some are silent, probably looking at me to do the right thing.

I anxiously look around and then I see her. She is paler than snow, like me her hands are clenched in fists at her side. She suddenly takes a step.

 _What? No don´t!_

I still can´t speak. I return my gaze to Katniss. Our eyes meet. She has and expression that nearly makes my heart stop. She wants me to go. She wants me to volunteer instead of Prim. She wants me to go so her little sister can live. It sinks in and I finally acknowledge it. I give her a nod. Tears stream down her face while her eyes show relief and sadness.

I have to do this for Prim and for Katniss, if I don´t I will be lower than the scum that lives in the Capitol.

A coward. Then I see Prim again walking with a stiff body, small steps up toward the stage, passing me and Katniss. I bring myself back.

"Stop!" The strangled cry comes out of my throat, and my muscles begin to move again. "Prim!" I don't need to shove through the crowd. The other kids jump aside immediately like I have a disease as if me touching them might get them reaped next year, but it allows me a straight path to the stage. I reach her just as she is about to mount the steps. With one stretch of my arm, I push her behind me.

"I volunteer!" I scream making sure everyone hears it. "I volunteer as tribute!"

There's some confusion all around me. They hadn´t expected me to volunteer for her. I can fully understand that.

District 12 hasn't had a volunteer in decades and certainly not anyone who weren't related to each other. In some of the luxurious districts winning the reaping is such a great honor, people are eager to risk their lives, the volunteering is complicated. But in District 12, where the word tribute is pretty much synonymous with the word corpse or suicide, volunteers are all but a myth.

"Lovely!" says Effie Trinket. "But I believe there's a small matter of introducing the reaping winners and I would ask for volunteers, and if one does come forth then we, um…" she trails off, unsure herself.

"What does it matter?" says the mayor. He's looking at me with a pained expression on his face. He doesn't know me really, but there's a faint recognition there. I am the girl who brings the strawberries. The girl his daughter might have spoken of on occasion. Does he remember that? Why would he?

"What does it matter?" he repeats gruffly. "Let her come forward."

Prim doesn´t say a word except for the hysterically sobbing sounds I can hear behind me. She's wrapped her skinny arms around me like a vice. "No, Vera! No! You can't go!"

"Prim, go to Katniss, she needs you," I say as quietly as I can not trying to sound harsh, because this is terrifying me and I don't want to cry so it seems like I have regretted my decision. When they televise the replay of the reapings tonight, everyone will make note of my tears, and I'll be marked as an easy target. A weakling. I will give no one that satisfaction of seeing me look like a coward. "Let go!"

I can feel someone pulling her from my back. I turn and see Gale has lifted Prim off the ground and she's thrashing in his arms. "Up you go, V," he says, in a voice he's fighting to keep steady, but I can see it in his eyes. He is relieved it´s not Prim or Katniss. I guess he never cared for me as much as I´d hoped.

And then he carries Prim off toward Katniss. I make up my mind and slowly climb the steps.

"Well, bravo!" gushes Effie Trinket. "That's the spirit of the Games!" She's pleased to finally have a district with a little action and drama going on in it. "What's your name?"

I take a deep breath. "Primavera Ellison," I say.

"Well I must say your names do sound similar. Don't want her to steal all the glory, do we? ."

I stare at her in complete shock. How could anyone still think this was entertainment.

"She´s my friend." I choke as I look towards the crowd and she Katniss and Prim hanging onto each other as if any minute a peacekeeper would come a take her away.

" Isn´t that sweet! Come on, everybody! Let's give a big round of applause to our newest tribute!" trills Effie Trinket.

Silence, not one person claps. Not even the ones holding betting slips, the ones who are usually beyond caring. Possibly because they know me from the Hob, or have encountered Prim with her sweet pigtails who no one can help loving. So instead of giving the mandatory applause, I stand there panic-stricken while they take part in the most daring form of dissent they can manage. Silence. Which says we do not agree. We do not condone. All of this is wrong. For me? If it had been anyone else I would have accepted it, but I´m the girl who got panic attacks every once in a while. I´m the girl nobody loves.

Then something unexpected happens. At least, I don't expect it because I don't think of District 12 as a place that cares about me. But a shift has occurred since I stepped up to take Prim's place, and now it seems I have become someone precious. At first one, then another, then almost every member of the crowd touches the three middle fingers of their left hand to their lips and holds it out to me. It is an old and rarely used gesture of our district, occasionally seen at funerals. It means thanks, it means admiration, it means good-bye to someone you love.

That´s when I cry. Tears stream down my face and I try to hid it by looking down. I fail miserably.

Suddenly Haymitch decides wake up from his drunkenness. Approaching me the stench of alcohol instantly hits my nose. He decides to congratulate me by throwing his arm around my shoulders. I´m surprised, his strong for a mean drunk.

"Look at her. Look at this one!" He bellows. Not only does he reek of alcohol but it seems like he hasn´t bathed in forever. I hold my breath trying not to gag.

"I like her!" He hollers as he releases me and approaches the front of the stage.

What is there to like idiot? I just ruined my chances at looking strong in front of whole Panem. "Lots of..." He´s trying to find the word at the tip of his tongue. " Spirit!" he says victoriously. "More than you!" He raises his hand and points towards the camera. "More than you!" He most be out of his damn mind because either he is addressing the audience or he seriously mocking the Capitol. I´ve seen drunk, but he is on a whole new level. Just as he's opening his mouth to continue, Haymitch plummets off the stage and knocks himself unconscious.

He's vomitous, but I'm grateful. With every camera leeching on to him. It gives me time enough to quickly brush off my tears. I can see the hills I climbed this morning with Gale and Katniss. For a moment, I ache for something.

 _We should have listened._

Run away as Gale had said. We would have made it, but I know I was right about not running off because who would have taken Prim´s place?

 _Katniss!_

That would mean losing the one person who has kept us all alive for years. This is how I will repay her. For her giving me the friendship I didn´t deserve.

Haymitch is whisked away on a stretcher, and Effie Trinket is trying to get the ball rolling again. "What an exciting day!" she warbles as she attempts to straighten her wig, which has listed severely to the right after Haymitch´s attempt of a hug. "But more excitement to come! It's time to choose our boy tribute!" Clearly hoping to contain her gigantic hair situation, she plants one hand on her head as she crosses to the ball that contains the boys' names and grabs the first slip she encounters. She zips back to the podium, and I don't even have time to wish for Gale's safety when she's reading the name. "Peeta Mellark."

 _Who?_

The name sounds distantly familiar. I watch him as he makes his way toward the stage and I immediately recognize him. Medium height, stocky build, ashy blond hair that falls in waves over his forehead. The shock of the moment is registering on his face like my face did, you can see his struggle to remain emotionless, but his blue eyes show the alarm I've seen so often in the prey Katniss catches in the woods. Yet he climbs steadily onto the stage and takes his place.

Effie Trinket asks for volunteers, but no one steps forward. He has two older brothers, I know, I've seen them in the bakery, but one is probably too old now to volunteer and the other won't. This is standard. Family devotion only goes so far for most people on reaping day. What I did was suicide because Prim is not blood-related to me.

The mayor begins to read the long, dull Treaty of Treason as he does every year at this point — it's required — but I'm not listening to a word.

I know him from the bakery and I think I share three classes with him at school. I guess I´ve never noticed him before because we don´t come from the same part of District 12. Never once have we ever interacted. The only reason his name sounded familiar is because I usually catch Katniss looking his way at lunch, when he is standing with the other kids who live in the good part of District 12. And sometimes I would catch him watching Katniss when she doesn't notice him. With one look into his eyes I knew why he was sneaking looks at Katniss. He likes her just like Gale. I remember feeling extremely jealous. Katniss is beautiful with her olive skin and long brown hair, no wonder many boys liked her. When the thought crossed me I remember feeling stupid. Katniss is my best friend I should´nt feel that way towards her after all she had done for me. I find it ironic either Peeta has to kill the girl he likes best friend or I will have to kill him.

The mayor finishes the dreary Treaty of Treason and motions for Peeta and me to shake hands. His are as solid and warm like the newly baked bread at bakery. Peeta looks me right in the eye and gives my hand what I think is a squeeze. Just a nervous spasm.

We turn back to face the crowd as the anthem of Panem plays.

Oh, well, I think. There will be twenty-four of us. Odds are someone else will kill him before he kills me.

Of course, the odds have not been been with me or I wouldn´t be standing here.


	4. Last Goodbyes

**I´m soo sorry for no updating in a long time! School just started and I haven´t had time for checking up on the grammar mistakes and writing a new chapter.**

 **but i had this one saved and well here it is.**

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Instantly as the anthem ends, a group of Peacekeepers forge a circle around us and marches us in to the front doors of the Justice Building. I see Darius who I just saw a few hours early outside the Hob on my left.

It suddenly feels like a life time ago. His face is blank, showing no emotion as though his favorite seamstress is not being taken away to her certain death. I must admit it hurts. I can still see the relief on Gale´s face when Prim and Katniss were safe. Did he even feel slightly hurt or mortified that my name was called?

I guess I will never know.

I keep taking small breathes and slowly exhale them, while they show me to a room. Once we´re deep inside the building they push me inside a room and leave me alone. My eyes widen at the sight of the room. The mayor doesn't have a room this nice in his house probably.

I would have never imagined District 12 having a room this rich looking. The carpets look hand-stitched with beautiful colorers and the couches in this room were made of fabric that i´ve never even seen before. My hand carefully touches the backside of the couch and I feel the softness of the fabric. Not even rabbits could feel this soft.

I walk around the couch and sit down, my hand still feeling the softness of the fabric. I can still feel the panic building up inside of me. My breathing starts to quicken. I look around and I swear it looks like the walls a moving closer towards me. I start hyperventilating and I quickly stand up from the couch.

I´m shaking my hands as I walk back and forth from the couch to the door.

This is the first panic attack I´ve had in years.

 _I can´t breath_

It feels like someone has switched my lungs out with bricks and a huge chestnut is stuck inside my throat.

I want out, I want to leave this room and be done with this. Most of all I want to scream my brains off.

After a minute I approach the nearest wall and lean against it. I slide down to the floor and pull my legs together and rest my head on them. Tears are streaming down my face faster then the river I usually catch fish at. I don´t even care that cameras are going to be filming my face as soon as we get to the train station after I´ve said my goodbyes to my loved ones.

The door opens and I´m surprised to see that my mom is standing by it. The peacekeeper outside closes it and my mom comes closer. I don´t stand up to give her a hug, since our relationship isn´t that close but when our eyes meet I´m shocked to see her eyes are filled with tears.

I can´t help it but my jaw drops. I stare at her and that´s the only thing I can do at that moment.

"I´m sorry." She sobs. "I´m so sorry."

I immediately stand up, now completely stunned at my mom crying and saying sorry.

"Why are you sorry?" I ask as I slowly approach her.

"This is my fault!" She sobs, while more tears burst out.

"Why would this be _your_ fault?"

She catches her breath and looks deep into my eyes. "Because I´m cursed."

She´s gone mad. Finally the last match in her head has been put out. Must be when my name was called because she has never uttered those words to me ever. I look at my mom with the last ounce of empathy I have left for her, for the memories of her sining to me when I had a nightmare or when I was sick.

"Wh..why would you think that mom?" I ask her my voice breaking.

"I´m being punished...punished for what he did!" She sobs even more as she collapses to the floor. I hold on to her and sit beside her on the floor.

"Who did? Punished? Who are talking about mom?" I demand. I´m scared now. I´v never seen her like this before.

"He was a peacekeeper you know...He liked how I looked...worked in district 11."

She stops using full sentences but I don´t need to know anymore. I know who she´s talking about. She´s talking about the monster who helped create me. My father.

There is a reason why I mentioned I look more like the people from district 11, because my mother looks exactly like them too. And I guess a low life peacekeeper who worked in district 11 who had been transferred to district 12 saw that too. He took a liking to my mother. If you haven´t guessed it yet but in Panem the peacekeepers aren´t her to protect you.

That´s why she has her moods sometimes. That´s why she sometimes can´t look me in the face. She sees _him._

The disgust overwhelms me as she tells me this.

Why would she tell me this, why would someone tell their daughter who is about to die that her father is a monster. This doesn't make me want to live, this makes me hate myself even more.

My mother was attacked by a peacekeeper and I´m the evidence.

"After all these years... _Why_...why not kill me!" I sob as I look deep into her eyes.

"I...I blamed you...all these years...but you´re mine...you are not _him_!" She cries as she put her hands on my cheeks. "Why wouldn´t you talk to me?" I ask her even more tears streaming down my face.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath and I understand. Shame can be a powerful thing to some people.

I move closer to her and throw my arms around her. She clings to me like never before. Warmness goes through my body as my mother hugs me for the first time in years. We finally have a real talk and in a few hours I will be gone forever.

"You have to win!" The words burst out of her. She still has me in her embrace.

"You can do it! You hunt like your friends do, you might have a chance."

I shake my head not wanting the feeling of hope that I might survive stuck inside my head. it´s just going to hurt when Peeta Mellark or someone else decapitates my head from my body.

Then I remember something and I break our embrace. "Listen about food, don´t worry...I will ask Katniss or Gale if they can spare a game or two for you when they usually hunt, alright! So don´t worry." I try to sound reassuring but my voice breaking doesn't help. And then the peacekeeper is at the door, signaling that our time is up. I help my mother stand up and she hugs me hard.

"I love you Prim." She says and that´s the first time she´s ever said those words to me. In that moment I forgive her, for her blank stares, cold tones, angry outburst. She´s my mother and I can´t help but still love her. I start crying again and all I´m saying is "I love you too mom." and then less than a second the peacekeeper drags her out.

I´m alone again, crying not out of fear but out of happiness that my mom loves me. I dry my tears with my palm and silently stand as I wait for the only people I expect to come through those doors.

But I´m surprised when the door opens and someone I don´t expect enters.

Madge.

She walks straight to me. No tears or a sad look on her instead there's an urgency about her tone that surprises me. "They let you wear one thing from your district in the arena. One thing to remind you of home. Will you wear this?" She holds out the circular gold pin that was on her dress earlier when I delivered strawberries to her house. I hadn't paid much attention to it before, but now I see it's a small bird in flight.

No not a bird, but a mocking jay.

They're bizarre birds and something of an embarrassment to the face of the Capitol. During the uprising the Capitol produced a series of genetically altered animals as a resource against the rebels.

The common term for them was muttations, or mutts for short.

One of those mutts was a special bird called a jabber jay that had the ability to memorize and repeat whole human conversations. They were homing birds, entirely male, that were released into territories where the Capitol's enemies were known to be hiding. After the birds gathered informations, they'd fly back to centers to be recorded. It took the rebels awhile to realize what was going on in the districts, how private conversations were being transmitted. Then, of course, the rebels fed the Capitol endless lies, and the joke was on them. So the centers were shut down and the birds were abandoned to die off in the wild.

Only they didn't die off. Instead, the jabber jays mated with female mockingbirds creating a whole new species that could replicate both bird whistles and human melodies. They had lost the ability to enunciate words but could still mimic a range of human vocal sounds, from a child's high-pitched warble to a man's deep tones. And they could re-create songs. Not just a few notes, but whole songs with multiple verses, if you had the patience to sing them and if they liked your voice.

I´ve seen countless of mockingjays outside the woods, but never once tried singing to them. I´ve never had the patience or the passion to sing to them or even try.

"Your pin?" I say. I look at the pin and frown. A token is the least of things I´m going to worry about right now.

"Here, I'll put it on your dress, all right?" Before I can answer, she leans in and fixes the pin to my dress. "Promise you'll wear it into the arena, Vera?" she asks. "Promise?"

"But..why..I mean..I´m not as close to you as...I." I stammer not even making a full sentence. I´ve gone into so much shock today I can´t even verbally communicate with anyone at the moment.

"you´re just as much my friend as Katniss is! We might even be more so when you come back." She says in a n understanding tone. I look at her pin and the only thought that goes through me is that Madge thinks of me as a friend. She quickly gives me kiss on the cheek and I´m left standing again. Except I have a golden mockingjay pin on my dress.

Finally when the three people I´ve been waiting for come in. I don´t hesitate to embrace them all in a hug. I hug Katniss first, then Prim and last but not least Gale. I can smell the woods on his body and the way his heart is beating soothes the panic inside me.

"Listen," he says. "Getting a knife should be easy enough for you, but you´re good with booby-traps so find a secure place and do what you´re best at...traps. You might get away with it for a while."

I know he says those words to help me but the sound of his voice and the look in his eyes tell me everything. He doesn't believe I´ll make it through the bloodbath.

Anger overwhelms me. How can he say this to his friend and still sound patronizing. Was I even a friend to him? Or was I just a girl who occasionally helped make booby-traps when needed to.

"What about a bow? What if I got a bow?" determination can be heard in my voice as I say those words. I know I might not make it through the bloodbath but that does not give him the right make me out as weak.

His eyes widen, probably not expecting me to have any ideas.

"Sure, but you´re not as go-" He doesn't finish the sentence because with one elbow to the ribs by Katniss he shuts up.

I knew he could be tactless sometimes but _wow_.

"You´re faith in me is strong uh! Gale." I say with bitterness. Thoughts of why I would even be in love with this guy goes through my mind.

I cross my arms and turn towards Katniss. "I know the basics and I´ve had a few kills on my end, when we hunt..I can get a bow right."

I wait for her to back me up, say that I´m right and can survive with the use of a bow.

But what she says crushes me.

"They don't always have bows," She says.

Flashes of the year were there where only horrible spiked maces that the tributes had to stab one another to death with.

My face must be showing how hurt by her answer I am because she quickly says "Plus we don't even know if there'll be wood," Another year, they tossed everybody into a burning desert. Many contestants were bitten by venomous snakes or went insane from thirst or died from heatstroke.

It was considered very anti-climactic in the Capitol, all those quiet, bloodless deaths. Since then, there's usually been woods.

"There's usually some," I say.

I look at them with a deep frown on my face, thinking why they would act like this in what could possibly be the last time we´d ever see each other.

Suddenly out of the blue, Prim burst out in to tears. She raps her arms around my waist.

I take a deep breath and carefully pat her head and say. "Don´t worry Prim, it´s alright."

"No it´s not." Prim says. "I didn't say anything, I should have said something."

At that moment I realize that even if she´d had said something I would still have volunteered for her. Because she´s Prim and no twelve year old and especially her doesn't deserve to go through the horrors of the hunger games, no matter how much of a coward I am, I still would.

"Prim, listen, they would´ve still picked me," I say "I´m the oldest they would have likely chosen me."

I rap my arms around her and hug her.

"I made the choice of saying it for them before they could."

The Peacekeepers are back too soon and Gale asks for more time, but they're taking them away and I start to panic when I remember something "Don't forget my mom!" I cry out, clinging to Prim´s hand.

"We won't! You know we won't! Vera, I´m sor —" Katniss says, and they yank Prim and me apart and slam the door and I'll never get to hear her apologize.

I walk towards a mirror hanging above the fireplace and see that my eyes aren´t red from crying. Plus my skin is too dark to any redness to be seen from crying.

The door opens and I know that now is the time that a useless peacekeeper has come to take me to the train station.

But when I turn around I see a mane of red hair and freckles.

Darius.

I´ve never seen him with a grim look before but it gives some what of comfort that he will be in the short list of people who cares about me. It sounds selfish when I think about it but thinking all these years no one caring for me it gives me somewhat strength. As to what? I don´t know.

The group of peacekeepers from before form a circle around me again. Nausea hits me when I remember what my mother told me minutes ago.

 _Monsters...all of them._

I look at Darius and he´s staring forward clutching his weapon with a hard grip.

 _Not him..he wouldn't_

while walking towards the front door of the Justice Building I make sure to walk closer to Darius. We´re walking so close I can hear his breathing.

When we reach the front door the words burst out of me before I can stop myself.

"I´ll miss you."

Our eyes meet and his eyebrows raise in what I expect is shock. His mouth opens a little and he intakes a deep breath. But before I can get a response I´m being dragged out and forced inside a brand new car form the Capitol. I look to my left and see Peeta has already been forced inside the car.

It's a short ride from the Justice Building to the train station. I've never been in a car before. In the Seam, we travel on foot.

As soon as I see the station ahead I regret even crying. The station is swarming with reporters with their cameras trained directly on my face. I´m grateful for my dark skin not showing any redness around my eyes or giving any indication that I´ve been crying I catch a glimpse of myself on the television screen on the wall that's airing my arrival live and feel gratified that I only appear shocked with my wide eyes open.

Peeta Mellark, on the other hand, has obviously also been crying. His eyes are red and puffy and I can still see some tears and interestingly enough does not seem to be trying to cover it up. I narrow my eyes at him. He doesn't look like the type who would cry in front of the camera.

I immediately wonder if this will be his strategy in the Games. Is he trying to make a Johanna Mason?

Johanna Mason, from District 7 won the hunger games a few years back. She cried from the moment her name was called until theres was only a few tributes left in the arena. Turns out she could kill brutally. I have to admit, She shocked pretty much all of Panem.

But this seems an odd strategy for Peeta Mellark with his broad-shoulders and strong look. It will take an awful lot of weeping to convince anyone to overlook him.

Then a thought hit me and I look down feeling guilty. Maybe the reason he his crying is for the same reason I was. Fear! Fear of the unknown death that might meet us in the arena and saying goodbye to his friend sand family, well except his mother she´s still horrible, doubt anyone would cry for her.

We have to stand for a few minutes in the doorway of the train while the cameras gobble up our images, then we're allowed inside and the doors close mercifully behind us. The train begins to move at once.

The tribute train is even more rich looking than the room in the Justice Building.

"Come on along, dear children." Effie Trinket says and she pushes us froward to show us our bedrooms. My jaw drops when I see my bedroom. A closet full of clothes that Effie tells me I can use and a private bathroom with hot running water.

"Everything is at you disposal darling" She smiles and then leaves the room to show Peeta his, which turns out to be right next to mine.

"Now remember supper is ready in an hour. I expect to see both of on time." She says and then leaves us.

I play with the shower for a bit and then decide that I might as well take one. I peel down my white dress, carefully take out Mages pin and put it on the bed. The warm shower relaxes every muscle in my body and it feel like heaven. When I´m done I dress in a dark blue dress and attach the pin to my dress.

I hear a knock on my door and it´s Effie Trinket who has come to collect me for supper. I follow her through the narrow, rocking corridor into a dining room. There's a table where all the dishes are highly breakable. Peeta Mellark sits waiting for us, the chair opposite him empty.

"Where's Haymitch?" asks Effie Trinket brightly.

A little too brightly if you asked me. I take the seat next to Peeta.

"Last time I saw him, he said he was going to take a nap," says Peeta.

"Well, it's been an exhausting day," says Effie Trinket. She sound relieved that Haymitch isn´t here and I feel the same. His strong smell of alcohol still makes me want to puke.

The supper comes in courses. A thick carrot soup, green salad, lamb chops and mashed potatoes, cheese and fruit, a chocolate cake. Throughout the meal, Effie Trinket keeps reminding us to save space because there's more to come. But I don´t listen. The hungry girl from the Seam takes over and only one thing is going through my mind.

Eat!

I'm stuffing, stuffing myself because I've never had food like this, so good and so much, the thought that they might take the food away any minutes makes me want to eat faster. I don´t even bother using the forks and knives that Peeta and Effie are using. My hands are smeared with different kinds of food and when I look up I see Effie with her mouth agape. Shocked by my way of eating. She wrinkles her nose in disgust and pushes her plate away and looks at Peeta.

"At least, one of you have decent manners," says Effie as we're finishing the main course. "The pair last year ate everything with their hands like a couple of savages. It completely upset my digestion."

I look down on to my hands sticky with food and my mouth has probably food stains all over it. I narrow my eyes and say. "Are you going to finish that?" I pull her plate towards me without waiting for an answer and start stuffing her unfinished food into my mouth. I make sure to eat with my mouth open just to see her face turn green.

The pair last year were also two kids from the Seam who'd never, not one day of their lives, had enough to eat. And when they did have food, table manners were surely the last thing on their minds, the same with me.

When I´m finished I wipe my hands on the tablecloth. This makes her purse her lips tightly together. I take a look towards Peeta and he´s got an amused look on his face. I smile and make sure to thank Effie for a lovely dinner.

Now that the meal's over, I'm fighting to keep the food down if I can hold down Greasy Sae's a winter specialty, which by the way I still don´t know what´s made of I can hold this.

Effie takes one look at her golden watch and gasp. "It´s nearly time for the recaps!" She stands up "Come on, children follow me."

We go to another compartment to watch the recap of the reapings across Panem. They try to stagger them throughout the day so a person could conceivably watch the whole thing live, but only people in the Capitol could really do that, since none of them have to attend reapings themselves.

One by one, we see the other reapings, the names called, (the volunteers stepping forward or, more often, not. We examine the faces of the kids who will be our competition. I nearly choke when I take a sip from a drink and see a monstrous boy who lunges forward to volunteer from District 2. If Peeta doesn't kill me surly this boy will. A tough looking girl from District 4, the look on her face seemed like her name being called inconvenience rather than a death sentence. A fox-faced girl with sleek red hair from District 5.

When I see the female tribute form District 11 I take a sharp intake of breath and look closer.

She has dark brown skin and eyes. If she wasn´t from another district I would have thought she was my long lost sister. The worst thing is she´s twelve. When she mounts the stage and they ask for volunteers, all you can hear is the wind whistling through the decrepit buildings around her. There's no one willing to take her place. I clench my hands into a fist. Why couldn´t the escort have taken two slips by mistake like Effie did any other person would probably have volunteered if they knew their name would be called.

Last of all, they show District 12. Prim being called, me running forward to volunteer. You can't miss the desperation in my voice as I shove Prim behind me, as if I'm afraid no one will hear and they'll take Prim away. But, of course, they do hear. I see Gale pulling her off me and watch myself mount the stage. The commentators are not sure what to say about the crowd's refusal to applaud. The silent salute. One says that District 12 has always been a bit backward but that local customs can be charming. As if on cue, Haymitch falls off the stage, and they groan comically. Peeta's name is drawn, and he quietly takes his place. We shake hands. They cut to the anthem again, and the program ends.

Effie Trinket is disgruntled about the state her wig was in. "Your mentor has a lot to learn about presentation. A lot about televised behavior."

Peeta unexpectedly laughs. "He was drunk," says Peeta. "He's drunk every year."

"Every day," I add. I can't help smirking a little. Effie Trinket makes it sound like Haymitch just has somewhat rough manners that could be corrected with a few tips from her.

"Yes," hisses Effie Trinket. "How odd you two find it amusing. You know your mentor is your lifeline to the world in these Games. The one who advises you, lines up your sponsors, and dictates the presentation of any gifts. Haymitch can well be the difference between your life and your death!"

Just then, Haymitch staggers into the compartment. "I miss supper?" he says in a slurred voice. Then he vomits all over the expensive carpet and falls in the mess

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 **Hope you liked this chapter and I might update a new one tomorrow or maybe this friday!**


	5. The drunken fool and the baker s son

_Pathetic, pitiful, vile and useless._ Those were the words going through my head while Peeta, Effie and I take in the scene of our drunken mentor.

The same stench he had in The Reaping hits my nose again and I put my hands up to my mouth and nose trying shield the smell and keeping myself from doing the exact same thing he just did a few seconds ago. My eyes are literally watering from the reek of vomit and strong alcohol. I take a couple of steps back and look away from him. This is the person who´s going to help us survive this? I can´t believe that this is all we get when we´re inside the arena. I glance towards Peeta and one thought goes through me.

 _We are doomed._

Peeta meets my eyes. He steps forward and reaches out for Haymitch´s arm and helps him to his feet "I tripped?" Haymitch asks. "Smells bad." He wipes his hand on his nose, smearing his face with vomit. I gag, still keeping my hand on my mouth. I´ve seen animals butchered, eaten Greasy Sae´s food and still this made me feel worse than ever. If that doesn't give you a hint, I don´t know what will.

"Let's get you back to your room," says Peeta. "Clean you up a bit."

Three steps behind I follow them to Haymitch´s compartment. Peeta is literally dragging Haymitch on his drunken state. I would help but the fear of my weak stomach betraying me is too strong. With the little ounce of strength my stomach can bear I help Peeta haul Haymitch into the bathtub and Peeta quickly turns the shower on. Haymitch doesn´t even react to the water.

"It's okay," Peeta says to me. "I'll take it from here."

I can't help feeling a little grateful since the last thing I want to do is strip down Haymitch, wash the vomit out of his chest hair, and tuck him into bed. Without hesitation I give Peeta a stiff nod and leave Haymitch´s compartment to return to my own. By the time I've reached my room I regret not asking him if I should call for one of the capitol people working on the train.

I sit on my bed as the train suddenly stops. I push myself of the bed and open the door out to the corridor. One of the capitol workers passes by and gives me a tight smile.

"No worries miss. We´ve just stopped to get some refuel." He says and keeps walking. I close the door to my room again and return to the bed.

 _Poor Peeta!_

At this moment he is no doubt washing the vomit out of Haymitch´s hair. He is probably regretting it now for sending me away. I throw myself on the bed and stare into the loft. What are they doing right now? Is my mom safe?

" "Please don´t be alone." I whisper

My thoughts drift to Katniss and Gale. What about them? Are they at home thanking the stars that they are safe or mourning the loss of a friend? I close my eyes and grimaces. Why do I sound so _selfish?_ Wanting them to mourn me. I´ve never sounded more self-absorbed in my life.

I guess living in the shadow of Katniss Everdeen and Gale Hawthorne has made me insecure. I have to admit Gale was right when he said I wasn´t as good as Katniss with a bow and arrow. I could survive with a knife and bobby traps are my specialty with the right clearing. No game has ever escaped my traps. But using one of Katniss's bows was a bit difficult but having steady hands from sewing makes me kind of good I could kill using that as a weapon.

I shake my head at the thought. I never thought I would sit in this bed and think about which weapons I would use to kill other children with.

I thought of my mom, sitting alone in the dark in front of the TV watching the recap of the events that happened today.

I close my eyes and exhale the air I´ve been holding. If I keep thinking like this I won´t survive for a minute. Suddenly the train gives a jerk and less than a second the train is going on full speed.

Everything from the day's events come crashing again and suddenly I´m in tears. The crying tires my body and soon after I've stopped and I let the darkness overcome me.

It feels like I´ve only just closed my eyes, but a sound of knocking wakes me up. I am greeted by the light streaming in from the window. " _Up, up, up!_ It's going to be a _big, big, big day_!" Effie Trinket says in her usual happy voice. This lady is going to be the death of me. If this was what the Capitol called normal behavior I won´t make to the interviews. I pull myself from the bed and change my clothes from yesterday into a yellow shirt and black pants.

Miraculously my fishtail had stayed in its place and hadn´t become undone. I leave it as it is and enter the dining car. I take a seat beside Peeta and try not to be as awkward as I usually am.

I can´t help but look at Haymitch and see that his face is puffy and red. Servers him right for acting like a fool. The sound of him chuckling makes me want to grind my teeth.

"I was just asking him about how to find shelter." Peeta says to me as I pure some apple juice into my glass. I look at him and meet his eyes with a confused look. This is the first time he´s said anything to me since we arrived on the train except from yesterday.

Why would he tell me this. I just expected we would ignore each other until the games begun.

I want to ignore him but the way he said it made it sound like he wanted me to know what Haymitch had to offer. I quickly look away and take a tiny sip from my juice.

So much for not being awkward.

"Which would come in handy if you were still alive?" Haymitch says while knocking back a glass of red juice that he keeps thinning with a clear liquid from a bottle. Judging by the fumes, it's some kind of spirit. He' will be just as drunk as yesterday by the time we reach the Capitol.

"So how do you find shelter?" Peeta asks. He leans more in to the table as if that would help Haymitch answer his question. Haymitch ignores Peeta´s question and reaches out to take some bread from the basket. I look at them both with raised eyebrows. From Peeta to Haymitch then back to Peeta.

" _How_ _do you find shelter_ " This time it doesn't come out as a question. Now frowning and a clenched jaw, Peeta looks more annoyed than angry. With a loud groan Haymitch raised his eyes to the ceiling. "Give me a chance to wake up, Bread boy." He says in a brusque manner and dismisses him with wave of the hand. A sudden realization hits me. No wonder anyone from District 12 had never survived longer than the bloodbath or just stood a chance. It isn't just that we've been underfed and lack training. Some of our tributes have still been strong enough to make a go of it. But we rarely get sponsors and he's a big part of the reason why. No sponsor in their right mind would step five feet in front of him while having the strength not to gag.

With pure resentment on my face, I stare down at the table and say "Answer him!"

it would have come out harsher but I´m too much of a coward to do it.

"She speaks! And I was beginning to think you were mute or something." Haymitch response. He takes a sip from his glass. Like hell if he thinks he can ignore me.

"I said _answer him_!"

Still not harsh but a bit louder than before.

"Look Peanut! This mentoring is very…taxing stuff." He says while he pulls out another flask from under his shirt and starts purring it down into the glass he just finished. Frowning I look at Peeta and he meets my eyes. His face looks baffled. Didn´t he expect me to help him or something? I have to admit I wouldn´t have done it if Haymitch hadn´t made me so mad.

"Pass the jam would you." Haymitch says as he gestures towards the jam which is right in front of me.

 _"Be brave Primavera! You have nothing to lose!"_ My inner voice says.

 _He is just going to dismiss me again!_

 _In a few days you are going to die, have some guts before you go!_

The voice in my head is right, if I can´t speak up how will I make it in the Capitol.

"I´m not going to ask you again, _answer him_ " I say in a raised voice.

"Fine! You want some advice kid? Here's some advice. Stay alive," says Haymitch, and then bursts out laughing. I exchange a look with Peeta. I'm surprised to see the hardness in his eyes. He generally seems so mild for a baker's son. "That's very funny," says Peeta. Suddenly he lashes out at the glass in Haymitch's hand. It shatters on the floor, sending the blood red liquid running toward the back of the train. "Only not to us." Haymitch looks at the spilled liquid with wide eyes and then considers this a moment, then punches Peeta in the jaw, knocking him from his chair. My eyes are wide in shock. Did he just punch a tribute over spilled liquid? This man was too far gone. I glance at the sharp butter knife in front of me and I quickly grab it. I might be a coward when it comes to speaking up, but hitting someone over alcohol...

When he turns back to reach for the alcohol, I drive my knife into the table between his hand and the bottle, barely missing his fingers. I thank the stars for missing. I try not to show surprise over barley missing his fingers.

 _I´ve not done this before._

I stare with a blank face at him and say "Don´t you even dare." For a minute I think he´s going to punch me too. Instead he sits back and squints at us.

Well, what's this?" says Haymitch. "Did I actually get a pair of fighters this year?"

Peeta rises from the floor and scoops up a handful of ice from under the fruit tureen. He starts to raise it to the red mark on his jaw. "No," says Haymitch, stopping him. "Let the bruise show. The audience will think you've mixed it up with another tribute before you've even made it to the arena."

"That's against the rules," says Peeta.

"Only if they catch you. That bruise will say you fought, you weren't caught, even better," says Haymitch. He turns to me. "Now Peanut. You really wanna know how to stay alive?" Haymitch reaches for the marmalade and I give it to him. "You get people to like you."

I wrinkle my nose and lean back in my chair. Me! likable? that's a joke. I can´t even utter a whole sentence without stuttering. For some reason people don´t like it when you can´t talk like a normal human being.

"Oh…Not what you were expecting? You´re in the middle of the games and you´re starving or freezing, some water, a knife or even some matches can mean the difference between life and death." He smears the jam across the bread he took from the basket. "And _those_ things come only from Sponsors and to _get S_ ponsors you have to make people like you." He takes a bite from the bread and leans back. I glance at Peeta who´s still touching his jaw.

"And right now Peanut, you´re not doing a great job with the silent act." He says after he finishes his last piece of bread.


End file.
